in the here and now...

br0k3n_tears @ 2008-11-02T01:02:00

2008-11-02T05:03:47Z

I am tired of the stand still that my life has come to.
And it's unfortunate that there isn't anything I can do about it because I have to be in this particular stand still until I graduate.
Then who knows what kind of stand still will be next.

I need a change in life, but at the same time, I don't have time for a change in my life.

br0k3n_tears @ 2008-03-21T15:27:00

2008-03-21T19:31:21Z

i'm done with him. i really think we will just be better off as friends. quickest break up i've ever bounced back from. we've been broken up for about 3 weeks now, but it was as if for the last month of our relationship or so, its been dying.
just too scared to admit it.

and now...i'm going after things that have always been in my mind. i want it, but i know that its better to wait. take things slow. rebuild. but man..i wish i knew thoughts that were held in his mind. and then how much seems like its too pushy?

although, i know he will never understand if he even finds out i muttered a word to him. but..its not for him to judge. this is my life and im doing whatever it is to make myself happy. even if people do not approve. i am happy and content and i like myself.

i live life for me.

a rant

2008-02-25T22:12:01Z

i'm having some thoughts.

firstly, i am so fed up with people. i'm tired of always asking others to hang out or to do something and there always seems to be something that prevents them. and then my favorite part is that they tell me that they are free all of the time and to just let me know when i want to do something, so i name a few days and low and behold, they are busy those days. i don't know, its all just so ridiculous. i feel that the friends i can depend on are 4 of them...in jersey! people here, i don't know who i can count on. there are a few people i think i can, but im not 100%. yeah, there is ryan but hes my boyfriend, i want to keep him in the boyfriend catergory and not use him as a way to vent as i would a friend.

i feel like im left out of things but only with certain people. again, its the putting forth effort and not getting anything in return. although, i know in one situation i'm just being me and therefore, i am just being dumb. but still, sometimes i wish that some effort would be put forth towards me the way that i have put forth that effort. then i wonder, if i stop, would it even be noticed?

i'm wanting a change. even a change of scenery. but then i'm scared that i'm never going to want to stay in one place for long because i always seem to want something more. i'm tired of this whole hood enviornment. i want to move somewhere else and do things there. maybe i'll never be completely satisfied.

maybe since i never feel satisfied, thats why im constantly changing things up. clothing, hair, apperance. i don't know...

i want things in my life, and i know im just not at that age or stage in my life where i can have the things that i want. but i don't want to wait. i want a new living environment, i hate the one that i am in for a number of reasons. i want to decorate it my own way. i want to enjoy it. i want new roommates. i want the perfect job. i want to live in the perfect city that will suit my personality. and i know its just a process to finally achieve the things that i want, but i also feel like i am no where near those stepping stones to begin. im still trying to find the pebbles to make a stone in order to handle what i will put on it. maybe i want too much in life...things that i will never be allowed to have.

i've been trying to make things work and start new things, but nothing has come from it. as of yet. i guess i shouldn't be completely pessimistic about those situations. but as fun as it is, and as easy as a job as it has been, i have a feeling that i will be baby sitting this summer. since i haven't heard back, at all, from the two internships i did apply to. so baby sitting this summer, what fun.

but, i haven't heard back from my old employer, and i need the money. i need to have a job that i can depend on. i did depend on jobs here, but one might now all a sudden end. and the other one, she cut my pay from what we had decided on for last semester, maybe i was just naive to assume that it would remain the same wage this semester. and i could just say something to her, and ask, but i'm nervous that she won't budge or that i will seem greedy in a sense.

so i just constantly have cash flow issues and i really am willing to do anything for some extra cash but nothing seems to be working.

and to top everything off, much like a whipped cream topping, i have been sick for the past like 2 weeks and it could just be stress, but who knows. i may get to go in for some blood work which will always be fun.

so heres the only fun and exciting in my life as of recently...i tried out for a solo, and i got it for dance. but now...my entire body is sore and tired from all of the dancing that i have been doing. so i will have to stretch for say, an hour, before the following two hours of dance.

well here is a fun little edit...just found out i probably will NOT have the same baby sitting job this summer. how amazing. lets pile on some more shit while we're at it, shall we?

br0k3n_tears @ 2008-01-04T13:06:00

2008-01-04T18:07:27Z

i like being able to write that i am good. and i am happy. and i like me.

i got myself a christmas gift. got a tattoo on my foot. hope in script with a tiny star at the end. i love it. it has a lot of meaning.

im going to tell my mom when she comes to visit. and im going to videotape her reaction. i hope its a good one haha

br0k3n_tears @ 2007-12-15T00:57:00

2007-12-15T05:59:24Z

HUGE EDIT

ryan told me that he is actually still not sure if he wants to be with me or not. and again tonight, he came close to breaking up with me because he feels that i need to get better first. im at the point of being tired of trying to convince him that i want to be with him and its okay that i have to be with him. as much as i want to fight him if he decides to break up with me, i'm close to just not having the energy anymore.

br0k3n_tears @ 2007-10-26T15:47:00

2007-10-26T19:47:57Z

10.25.07
<3333333

br0k3n_tears @ 2007-10-16T14:52:00

2007-10-16T18:52:40Z

its been a little more than a year and i still am scared to trust him.

why?

july 17, 2007

2007-07-18T02:20:27Z

i love you

br0k3n_tears @ 2007-06-20T20:30:00

2007-06-21T00:31:01Z

karma is such a bitch.

now that i 'know where my heads at' he is all confused and quiet and shit.
yeah yeah, now i know how i was. but fuck that...so unnecessary.

br0k3n_tears @ 2007-03-30T13:31:00

2007-03-30T17:33:01Z

still havent decided my major.
looking for apartments to live in for next year. that way ill never have to go home.
im happy with my life, well in most aspects.
ive been with ryan since september and he makes me so incredibly happy.
and i love the relationship because were still our own independent persons.

br0k3n_tears @ 2007-01-05T00:01:00

2007-01-05T05:02:37Z

i hate living at home and will hopefully be living somewhere else in the summer.
i have a boyfriend.
he makes me smile and laugh. a lot.
i need to start saving a lot of money.

im realizing all of the things that i dont want to be.

br0k3n_tears @ 2006-10-30T16:33:00

2006-10-30T21:33:33Z

im starting to feel slightly overwhelmed with the work that i have to do.
a paper.
a rough draft for a research paper.
a rough draft for a poster project.

i dont have topics for the paper or project. i started the first paper.
and theres piano, but so far im good since i practiced for an hour or so today.

i have to schedule for classes for next sememster. i dont know what i want to take. i dont know what i want to major in. makes the decision a little more difficult if i may say so myself.
im not sure if i want to stay here or not. sometimes i do, other times i dont. plus nicole wont be here cause shes going to go to an art school. i mean, i could just live with jamie..but do i want to stay here? thats what im unsure of.

so yes..im feeling rather overwhelmed with things. and to top it off, november is in about uh 1 1/2 days. and for whatever reason, im involved with a guy and its almost november. wasnt that usually my thing..not to get involved with anyone near novmeber. but this kid kind of just happened. and he really does make me smile and he knows my november theory and he said he wasnt gonna be part of that crew. so i really can only just hope for the best, right?

so well see what happens.

but yes..i am quite overwhelmed. and for whatever reason, i just want to see him. he makes me smile and laugh and im comfortable with him. and i want to share the bed again. since for the past like week n a half theres only been 2 nights that we havent.

im not used to liking someone, but i love the fact that i like him. its good.

br0k3n_tears @ 2006-10-19T21:14:00

2006-10-20T01:16:12Z

yup i like him.
im going to the formal dance with him tomorrow night because he asked me.
and hes going to go to rowan with me sat-sun.

im nervous but im really excited.
hes so cute.

br0k3n_tears @ 2006-10-15T23:19:00

2006-10-16T03:21:44Z

i have a secret.
im actually able to admit that i have a crush on this boy.
yea..i like him.

br0k3n_tears @ 2006-10-10T22:35:00

2006-10-11T02:35:06Z

okay so...he didnt come, which is better. ive been thinking about things and i was reading old entries from before and maybe he really isnt worth it. okay its not a maybe, he def wasnt. just too much stuff.
but then this other boy, i dono. all the stuff that is going on, or was going on and i dont know.
i know the phases i go through and im at the point of trying to figure out and come up with excuses as to why i shouldnt like him.
he wants to know why i hide from things and why i dont open up and why i dont trust people.
well see if he remembers to ask me when hes sober.
so i dono...i havent hung out with him. and i leave on friday for break. wont be back till tuesday night. midterm break...you know.

i dono..its a lot going on. and since i read some old entries in here when it was hardcore depression...it was a lot.
winter is coming.
next month is november.
well see.

br0k3n_tears @ 2006-10-04T18:06:00

2006-10-04T22:06:15Z

yea..he decided that he wants to come visit.
he might be here this weekend. depends on work.
just my luck.

br0k3n_tears @ 2006-09-24T19:25:00

2006-09-24T23:26:39Z

okay. so im over him because i wont allow myself to think of him. plus, hes really not worth it.
ive got other boys here anyways and they occupy my mind.

'your supposed to be studying the african-american history, not their anatomy!'

br0k3n_tears @ 2006-09-08T00:23:00

2006-09-08T04:26:40Z

i miss him. i do. its that simple.
i thought going away was supposed to make things easier. i dont have to see him..hell i dont even talk to him. but no, hes online most every day and we dont talk. i dont want to be the first to talk to him..it always seems like im the first. why do i think about him so much?
i guess seeing him and sleeping at his house when im home doesnt make things easier either.
but why did you want me to stay another day?
why to so many things. what are you so scared of anyways? your more capable of hurting me than i am of hurting you. ive already put myself out there more than i wanted to from the get go.
your still holding back...i cant get a straight answer from you. i really shouldnt give you straight answers or do what i do with you. but i dono..its just something about you.
you throw me off my center. you know me so well. you touch me one place and i feel it all over. i kiss you and i cant stop kissing and touching you. im so relaxed and comforted when im just sititng with you. i smile when i hear from you.

this is all so wrong.

br0k3n_tears @ 2006-07-27T23:44:00

2006-07-28T03:45:48Z

ive been putting myself out there. saying more things. i mean..not direct DIRECT things..but def more things. showing more interest.

you havent said anything back though.

and yet...im still putting myself out there.

'everything changes, everything falls apart. i cant stand to feel myself losing control, but deep in my senses i know.'

br0k3n_tears @ 2006-07-17T20:54:00

2006-07-18T00:57:18Z

okay..so truth?
i miss it...i miss it so much its horrible. i wish i didnt, man...i wish so much that i didnt miss it as much as i do.
and yea, i lie to myself and tell myself that i dont and that it doesnt mean anything.
but still..theres something that just isnt going away about it. and i dont know it kills me.
as long as i dont talk to him for a while, im good. but for a while it kills me that i dont. but if i dont talk to him..then well, its not so bad.
cause i think deep down, i know the truth and, he doesnt.

'your depressed, and i cry myself to sleep.'

br0k3n_tears @ 2006-06-07T21:41:00

2006-06-08T01:41:58Z

yea...i feel myself slowly falling apart.
and to top it off, i always feel sick.

br0k3n_tears @ 2006-06-06T09:23:00

2006-06-06T13:23:38Z

getting ready to shower and i find all these hickies on me on random spots.
hmm...wow thanks ha

br0k3n_tears @ 2006-06-01T11:46:00

2006-06-01T15:47:00Z

nothing ever works out for me.
it leaves me wondering what i did wrong.

br0k3n_tears @ 2006-05-30T00:13:00

2006-05-30T04:13:55Z

wow, being at home really fucks up my body.
amazing.
and its not just 'the change in environment'

br0k3n_tears @ 2006-05-21T16:29:00

2006-05-21T20:31:53Z

i give up. its such shit here. everyone is in such denial or they swear their life is the worst.
so yes...i seem annoyed all the time, its because i am. but dont bother asking why because im not allowed to talk about it. so it seems as though im craving attention. and fuck that...i so am not. things are just fucked.
its unfuckingbelieveable.
im not surprised though...in the back of my head i knew it. if only people would listen to me more. and even now, i cant say anything. they wouldnt listen or believe.
fucking denial.
i just wanna curl up and be held. i cant believe it. this is one of the situations that i wish i wasnt right about.
im so glad i went away to school. if i were close by or still lived at home, i probably would have shot myself by now.